So even though I kind of spiraled a bit last night while writing my blog post, holy fuck am I glad I wasn’t working yesterday. I’ve mentioned before that when it rains at Eataly, the people pour in. Apparently that’s exactly what went down, and it was not a fun time to say the least. Now today was a bit different than usual, because although I woke up at 12:45, I decided to just relax in bed for a while, instead of playing a game of League. Last night I stayed up pretty late doing laundry, binging Stranger Things Season 3, and actually folding and putting away my clothes. Seriously I don’t do that nearly as much as I should. Now after I finally got up and showered, by the time I was ready to go, I was actually quite behind and had to catch the 2:22 train to work; this meant that I was definitely running a bit behind, but thankfully I still managed to make it to work right at 3:01. (Not too shabby I don’t think)
After clocking in, I found my side-work to be roll-ups today, and got to it. There was a new girl training today who was rolling with another server, and along with the other two or three people helping out, it was truly a rolling party. By 3:30 it was already time to clock out, and after a brief peak into the break room, I made up my mind to head to Pret for lunch. I got my usual salmon dish, along with a mango granola yogurt dish and a cookie, and sat down to eat and jam out to music for a while. Now as I got up and left, I found out that the new girl was also in Pret, and I struck up a conversation with her as we walked back to Eataly. Her name, if I remember correctly, is Gina. Seems like she’s been working in the restaurant industry for a few years now, and is actually working as a chef in a food truck at the moment as well. Pretty dope, right? Now as we arrived at where pre-shift was being held, I made my way quickly to the bathroom, before heading back to listen to pre-shift and start my day off right. Today I was working in section 6, which is right in front of the hostess stand. Even though today started off easy enough, like seriously really slow, as 7 o’clock hit things got fucking crazy. Like all of a sudden there was a giant line of people and my section was filled faster than I could blink. Before I knew it an hour had passed, than another, and before I knew it it was already 9PM. As the time passed, I got worried by the approaching storm clouds, but somehow all we got was a light misting and a bunch of fog. Still though, despite the lack of rain, my section still managed to be filled right up until 10PM. Like seriously my last table was sat 2 minutes before 10. Talk about rough times. I even had a table walk out and not pay so… great. ($20 bill, but still not okay) Somehow I managed to get my roll-ups done and leave at 11:11, catching the 11:17 A uptown and making it home just before midnight.
Unfortunately this is where things tonight took a turn straight south. So you know how I’ve been talking about how I haven’t gotten this letter for so long, and how I’ve given up? Yeah don’t you worry, the letter finally arrived. Unfortunately if you can’t tell by how I’m talking in this post, things did not go so great. My letter, which was riddled by emotion and pain, was met with facts and painful truths. All of this time I kept expecting things to just “work out”. I dunno, maybe the letter my start the healing process. But the fact of the matter is that I have a feeling I just managed to fuck things up even worse. She said that the letter brought up old issues she had about our relationship, like how I leaned on her too much when things got rough in my career. And the fact of the matter is, that was true. I relied on her far too heavily, and that pressure put a strain on our relationship. Even though I tried to face this fact before, hearing it from her just brought back the pain of losing her all over again, and just how hopeless this is. Even though she said she always wishes me happiness and believes what she is doing is selfish and she hoped I’d understand, how can I think that it’s selfish; If she’s going through things, how can I believe for even a second what she’s doing is selfish? I just hate this feeling that I am not good enough, and I somehow manage to destroy the relationships I care about the most. There have been two relationships now where I managed to wreck the best thing in my life. As I stay up tonight- far too late I might add- finishing up the final episodes of season 3 of Stranger Things, all I can do is feel more hopelessly lost than I have in a good long while. I am filled with such grief and sadness, and all I can do is wallow in it all. I want to reach back out, but that is the worst thing I can do now. All I can do is give her time and space, and maybe I’ll actually find some personal growth of my own. Year 2 of my life in New York is beginning even rougher than when I first moved here. Not actually, that’s a bit melodramatic, but still. Things aren’t great at the moment and I have no idea what I’m gonna do, but I have to keep moving. There has to be light at the end of this tunnel. There has to be.
Until next time,