Just a Lot of Thoughts and Time on My Hands (8/5/19-8/7/19)

“I’ll write you back soon.” Listen I know I haven’t written a blog post the past few days; to be fair, Monday was the day leading into my days off, and then, well yesterday and today WERE my days off, so I guess I let the time slip by. To give a quick summery- Monday went alright. Same ol’ same ol’ over at Eataly. Actually it was a fucking rough start; I was using a different pair of headphones, since my bluetooth earbuds stopped working, and I was so focused on that, that only when I got on the train to head to work, and started going downtown, did I realize that I forgot my bag with all my shit I needed for work. Panicked, I got out at 168th Street and sprinted back home, grabbed my bag, and caught the next A downtown to actually get to work. I emailed and messaged one of my managers, just to give a head’s up, and ended up being like 12 minutes late to work. Luckily my side work was rolling, so it wasn’t like I was really holding anybody up, and everything was fine in the end. Pro tip: If you’re running late, just let somebody know the instant you know. Then you don’t have to try and fix things later. (I mean common sense, but sometimes we all just forget to do it and deal with the consequences) After eating at Pret, because I really just needed to recenter myself, I headed to pre-shift and found that my section for the day was the pizza bar, which is actually really slow on weekdays. And, surprise surprise, it was. We have a pizza making class on Mondays, so I took care of that group of eight for a good portion of the night, and since I had nothing to do, I also helped take care of part of a huge group of 18 in section 1. Really fun company, and they all definitely had a good time. I even managed to clock out like right after 10:30; so insanely rare for me to do that. I ended the night just playing video games… so the usual. Well actually, I played a few video games, but after getting off because Eddie needed to get off, I binged quite a few episodes of season 2 of Stranger Things.

Now Tuesday I actually went grocery shopping, which was great because hooooly shit I was running low on food. At Trader Joe’s, I actually even picked up some raspberry cider, which, when I got back home, I offered to one of my roommates, Jeremy. He and I actually just chatted for a bit as he whipped out a smorgasbord of fruits and other foods, which we snacked on for a while before I headed back to my room and continued binging Stranger Things. Honestly I don’t remember if I started season 2 on Monday or Tuesday, but what I can tell you is I am on season 3 now and it is so damn good. Very, very weird to watch these kids grow up though, to be honest with you. Seeing them get girlfriends and kiss just makes me remember how alone I am. Fun times, I know. Honestly all I did today, besides binging Stranger Things, was do laundry and make some food. Lunch was just a sandwich, but pasta for dinner was nice. ALSO I forgot to mention that I decided to not buy any junk food, and since I’m out of junk food in the apartment now, I’m going to try to really cut down on how much garbage I am eating and putting into my body. I know it’s unhealthy, and if I don’t do something about it now, it’s really gonna fuck me down the line. It may not be fun, but I know it’s something I have to do. Also I planned on hanging out with my friends either yesterday or today, because one of my friends, Margaly, is only in the country until next week, but everyone was busy so it was a no go. I tried to just grab a bite to eat with her, but things still fell through. Great.

Now one big thing I really want to talk about in this blog, was the travesties that took place just a few days ago in El Paso, Texas, and Dayton, Ohio. Now I know most of us in the United States have been desensitized to these horrific acts, but that needs to change. Now. If you can’t tell by this point that I am a raging liberal, then I guess this is gonna be a real wake-up call, because I am sick and tired of people in power making excuses instead of dealing with the root of the problem. In El Paso, a white supremacist chose to open fire on people he saw as different, and because of that racism, innocent people lost their lives. Now for anyone who chooses to believe that guns are not a major issue in this country, then explain to me how a man in Dayton was shot and killed 30 seconds after he opened fire, but because of the weapon he was able to obtain and use, 9 people were killed and 27 were injured. That is not. Okay. And then you have fucking lawmakers, people in power, blaming VIDEO GAMES? Are you out of your fucking minds? When study after study shows that there is no correlation between video games and mass shootings, and yet even though video games are played throughout the world, there doesn’t happen to be high murder rates worldwide, virtual weapons are blamed for these acts of terrorism and murder. I just. Don’t. Get it. I am sad, I am angry, and I am fucking exhausted of seeing murder after murder, and then people in power say that it is “too early to politicize it”. Nothing is being politicized. When you look at the constitution, the “guns” that were being bared could not do a FRACTION what the weapons today can do. So stop treating this shit like it is no big deal and fucking do something about it. When do we start charging lawmakers who stand around and do nothing, or even block bills that can lead to gun reform, for the murder of these innocent people. Because these people’s blood is very much on their hands, just as it is on these disgusting vile murderers.

Forgive the long tangent there, but tonight’s post is more just going to be a venting mechanism, because I haven’t done shit these past two days, and all I could do was think. Why I used that sentence at the beginning of this blog was because that is exactly what Elle said to me on July 20th. And I never wanted, and still don’t want, her to feel like she has to do something if she doesn’t want to do it. But if she really did not want to write back, all she had to say was “I don’t feel comfortable writing back at this time.” Then that would be that, and it would be over. But since she told me that, now I keep expecting that maybe, one of these days, a letter’s gonna come in the mail from me, from her. And I want to hate her. I really do. This girl broke my heart, and yet I still can’t get over her. And maybe that’s what I’m frustrated most about. This is the second time where I fell head over heels for a girl, and end up trying to pick up the pieces. Except this time, this time I felt like, for some reason, there was hope. I know there isn’t, but that door didn’t get slammed in my face, and I am trying to keep it open, only to be disappointed over and over again. I wish I could hate her, but I can’t; I understand where she’s coming from, and there’s nothing I can do but just sit and wait for whatever is going to happen. I just feel like I am in a rut at the moment, and even though I’m still technically moving, I don’t really feel like I’m living. I feel like I’m still stuck waiting for something to happen in my life, and I’m worried my life will start to slip away because of it. It hasn’t yet, thank god, but the worry is still there. Sorry for the rambling in this post; I’m sure it doesn’t make any damn sense, but sometimes you just gotta yell into the void, you know?

Until next time,

-Michael

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