Working to Avoid Thinking and Spiraling (7/27/19)

So I’m sitting on the train, not even close to home and the time already hitting past 11:36. We’re just sitting in the tunnel, (hopefully we will move soon for the love of God), and I’m writing this blog post, partly because writing it now is definitely convenient, but also because I need to keep my mind off of anything and everything right now. This morning as I did my normal work routine, I noticed on Snapchat that I wasn’t seeing Elle’s Bitmoji anymore. When I looked up her name, I saw that she wasn’t following me on Snapchat anymore, which I guess should’ve happened earlier, but nevertheless it affected me. Then I checked Facebook to find that she not only unfriended me on Facebook, she either hid herself from me, or blocked me entirely. I’m just… now listen, I know I should have expected this from the beginning. She ended things, there’s nothing left between us, whatever. But the total and utter separation still affected me. Before this, I was more curious than anything about what she was going to say in the letter she apparently is sending to me; but now? How can I be expecting to feel any other emotion but sadness when I receive the letter? My mind likes to think of the worst possible outcome, because you know… positivity, but what else can I think of now? She truly wants me out of her life, I’m sure forever, and the fact things ended is all my fault. I fell too hard too fast, and scared her way the hell away. I want to fix things, but I can’t. I wasn’t sure what would happened when I reached out with my letter, but now all I can see is pain. That’s why all I feel like I can do is focus on work, or else I’m just going to keep spiraling, and I can’t do that. I can’t afford to do that.

Instead of thinking about this more, I just got on with my day. I lost the league game and was tilted beyond belief, but still showered, got ready, and left for the train on time, catching the 2:16 train downtown. I made it to work on time, clocked in, and got to work doing my side work. Today I was on wine and ice, and after getting everything done, I clocked back out and headed to the break room for lunch. Unfortunately when I got there, there was basically nothing left to eat, so I grabbed a small plate, ate what was there, and then headed to Pret for my usual meal. Today I went with Mac and cheese, a little cup of happiness, and a cookie, before sitting down and enjoying my meal. I just played music for the most part, because I need to keep my mind off things, and watched some pro League games. I wanted to plug in my phone, but the outlet wasn’t working, (of course), so I just went without it. Once I was finished, it was back to work, so I headed to pre-shift, so I headed over and just like that, my day began.

Today I was in section 3, so I was in the middle of it all, but despite that, it was relatively slow today. I had decent tables and made a decent amount in the end ($300 in credit card tips and $140 in cash) but the fact that my final table not only ordered gelato at 10:25, they had also ordered a lasagna at 10:15 after all of their food had been eaten, and left at 10:40. I ended up leaving by 11:16 because I had to wait around for silverware, and I finally caught the local A at 11:30. Now I’ve been sleeping for a lot of this ride, but we have to have run express at some point because it’s okay 12:09 and I’m two stops away. Maybe we didn’t and the train ride isn’t that terrible; who knows. All I know is that I passed out at 42nd St. and woke up as we arrived at 125th St.

Now maybe I’m feeling emotionally drained because of work and the fact that I am so incredibly single, (no that’s definitely it), but fuck it sucks. I thought I was doing better, and yet here I am. I did talk with one of the hostesses today who seemed a bit off, and she mentioned that she isn’t in the best place because she’s going through a heart break at the moment. I told her I was too, and she asked what I do to get through each day. Honestly? I don’t know. I feel like any little thing can just set me off the tracks; all I can do is focus on work and put it off my mind because there’s nothing I can do. I really hope things get better, but I’m walking blind down this dark path, and I still can’t seem to find anything that looks like an exit. Fuck this sucks.

Until next time,

-Michael

*So it’s a bit later now, and I actually ended up buying some tomatoes from a local dude on the street. Like a local farmer or something I guess. Either way I got to make myself a sandwich for dinner instead of just heating up food, which is really nice. Also just playing with Mags tonight helps to clear my head. All love; tomorrow will be a better day. Just gotta keep taking things one day at a time.

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