Facing Anxieties Head On (After A Lot of Self Convincing)(6/5/19)

So today was my day off. My goal for the day? Be productive. (Lofty goal, I know) I mean, I started off the day simple enough; I woke up at 11:15, and relaxed in bed till just before 1, where then I got up, took a shower, and made myself lunch. All before 2PM! I mean it was a simple lunch and all, just a turkey, lettuce, tomato, and cheese sandwich with chips and half an apple sliced up, but the fact that I got anything at all done before 2PM on a day off was baffling to me. Now is that sad? Absolutely. Am I a lazy sack of garbage? Yeah. But we’re making changes! So after I ate lunch, I spent the next hour or two cycling between YouTube videos and applying for a few jobs online. That was, until I saw a job on Indeed for being a server at Bareburger. Now I’ve eaten at Bareburger multiple times, and have enjoyed the food every time. It’s also a smaller restaurant, with a more reasonable menu, with not too many alcoholic drink options; much easier than say Buddakan, which had hundreds of wine options. I realized that if I worked at Bareburger, not only would I be serving again, I would also be closer to my apartment, because the two nearest locations are on 59th and 46th, and I would be getting more experience at a restaurant just a bit larger than Emma’s Torch, but no where near the size of the restaurants I applied for previously. Now I’d be compromising money, but I think it would give me some more, much needed experience.

After mulling this over, I got the idea to just bring my resume down to these two locations. Fuck this applying online bullshit. It hasn’t been getting me anywhere. If I’m going to get a new job, I need to put my future in my own hands for once in my life. Honestly, side note, this is starting to be a new goal for me; a new motto to follow. I feel like I’ve just been waiting for something to happen. I always wait until someone else makes the first move, before I do something. But that won’t get me anywhere in life. I need to hold the reigns of my own destiny, and so I decided to face my anxieties head on and bring my resumes to the respective locations. Well, I’d love to say I made my mind of that quickly. In actuality, I really went back and forth, debating whether to go, and debating if it would be better for me to just wait a day or two, and see if I get a bite from applying to Bareburger online, before going in person. As I mulled this over, I decided to play a game of League, hoping to convince myself to stay, since it was later in the day.

However, despite my qualms, I forced myself to do this; I knew if I didn’t, I would just regret it later. So I printed out two copies of my resume and cover letter, and off I went down to Columbus Circle. I made it to the first location, and as I began walking towards the door, I felt my heart begin to beat faster and faster. I had one of the copies of my resume/cover letter in my hand, and I walked inside. After waiting a minute or two, trying to delay the inevitable, the hostess asked if she could help me, and so I walked up and asked if she could give my resume to the general manager there. She said that she didn’t think that they were hiring in this location, but she would be happy to send my resume along anyway. I thanked her and headed outside, cheering on the inside at first, and then a bit on the outside, for actually doing that. I know it’s something really simple, that some people can just easily do, but for me doing that gives me a ton of anxiety. I mean once I’m doing it and talking to people, I’m fine, but the build up? Oh boy my heart is speeding along. Maybe it’s because I hate asking things from people; maybe it’s because I don’t want someone to refuse; who knows. All I know is that I did it. Feeling good, I ended up walking down to 46th St., and headed to the second location. Again my heart was beating faster, but equipped with my resume/cover letter, I walked inside; honestly more confident than the last time. I walked up to the hostess and said the same thing, but this time she just told me that she would be happy to bring it to the general manager. She headed off to give my resume to that person, and I got outta there. Now maybe I should’ve stayed and waited, to see if I would talk to the general manager today, but it was already 6PM, and I was not dressed in any way to be talking to someone in a professional setting. I mean I was literally just wearing a t-shirt and shorts. Still proud that I actually got something accomplished with my day, I made my way back home, walking to 59th before heading down into the subway.

Now normally the A arrives every 10 minutes, and I can just get on and head home. Unfortunately for me and the other commuters, that was not the case today. For some reason or another, I waited for the A train to arrive for 25 MINUTES before it finally showed up. When the train did arrive, we were all packed in there so tight we probably looked like sardines. After a long and tight ride, I finally popped out of the train car and made my way back home. When I finally got inside, I sat down and relaxed for a bit, and ended up watching two of the three new episodes of the new season of Black Mirror. Now the one with Miley Cyrus was pretty good, but I gotta say the second half was genuinely really funny. It reminded me a bit of her story though, going from Hannah Montana to who she is now as a singer. Now the second episode I watched was one hell of a ride though. It’s called Striking Vipers, and to give you the TLDR, spoilers by the way, it’s about two friends who bonded in college by playing a fighting game. Years later they drifted apart, and the main guy, played by Anthony Mackie, is now married with a kid. The two of them grew apart, but the other friend surprises Mackie with a new version of the fighting game, which is all VR. They hop into the game one night, and after fighting each other for a bit in the game, they end up making OUT. AND THEN THEY FUCK. Like a LOT. They end up fighting about whether this is real, and Mackie cuts it off because he considers it cheating with his wife. That’s as far as I’m gonna go into that plot, but it really made me question things. I mean, as someone who plays video games quite a bit, I guess it makes sense that if VR reaches that stage, it’s quite possible to see that coming to pass. But jesus seeing it like this was something else.

I ended the night heating up some leftover pasta, which I ate during that wild ride of a Black Mirror episode, and have spent the last 30 minutes drawing a polar bear cub. Now tomorrow I gotta go back to work, so here’s hoping I actually get some sleep. Honestly I just hope that I hear back from Bareburger tomorrow, and the call is them asking to set up an interview with me. That’d be amazing. I need a new job. Also I know I have to go to bed like ASAP, but to go on a side tangent and get really real with all of you real quick. I told myself that I would send W a letter when she got back to Sarah Lawrence, and that date is very quickly approaching. She’ll probably arrive by the 22nd, so I think I’m going to send the letter by the 20th or the 21st. I’m scared because I know if she gets it and reads it, she’s going to share it with her friends, and I have absolutely no idea what their reactions are going to be. I keep questioning whether or not this is a good idea or not, but I’ve made up my mind, and no matter what the consequences are, I’m going to do it. 15 days.

Until next time,



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