So I kinda fell back a step as I was walking home tonight from my friend’s apartment. Of course I’m sure you know at this point I mean emotionally, not physically, but yeah, definitely no fun. Now I’m okay and it wasn’t a big step back or anything, but it still happened. But that’s for the end of this quick story of today. Because I mean overall today was honestly a good day. I mean last night I went to bed at an ungodly hour (aka 5:30), but after my body waking me up at 11AM like yesterday and me pushing myself to fall back asleep, I managed to get up just before my alarm at 1:40. And when I say “just before”, I mean I literally woke up at 1:39 and when I was telling Siri to turn off all my alarms, my alarm went off. So like yeah, good timing. Anyway, after laying in bed for a bit, considering my plans for the day, my friend Andrew messaged me, asking if I wanted to see Rocketman today. I agreed, but after a bit of looking, we both realized that the movie doesn’t come out until later this week, so we decided to just hang out at his place. He even recommended I bring my PS4 over if I wanted, so he could watch me play Persona 5. And listen, I’m definitely not going to say no to hanging out and drinking with a friend, all the while playing Persona 5, which I was going to do all day today anyways. So I got myself up and immediately headed to my computer to type up yesterday’s blog. Listen I said I would be consistent, and I’m working hard to stay true to my word this time around. After that, I took a quick shower, got ready, and headed to the local Subway to grab a bite before walking over to his apartment. I was going to take the subway, but after looking at the weather app and realizing it was almost 90 degrees out, I figured why the hell not. I got there by 3:40 and after some traffic at the door, I made it inside and took the climb to get up to his apartment.
Now Andrew has a nice apartment, but not only is the road to get there steep, he’s also on the fifth floor with no elevator; so yeah, my legs were feeling it. Anyway, after knocking I was let in and we set to work, not only hooking up my PS4 to the TV in his living room, but also beginning the day of drinking. He opened his bottle of champagne that we got last week, and we cheers’d as I started up the game. Now I ended up staying there until 10:30, so obviously we had a good time. I ended up pausing the game throughout the day, as we chatted about a few different subjects, the main of which being Aladdin, which both of us had just watched. He agreed with me at points, but we had a good discussion when it came to Jafar and Aladdin, who I think can definitely be said to be the weaker of the performances. We definitely agreed on the fact that Will Smith and Naomi Scott (who played Jasmine) carried the movie with their performances.
After munching down on my sandwich from Subway, with me playing, and the two of us chatting about Persona 5 for a while, Andrew asked if I was doing anything tomorrow, and we decided to make plans to see Brightburn tomorrow. Now I didn’t have any intention of seeing the movie, but again, three free movies a week? I’m not gonna say no. By the time eight o’clock came around, I was sitting on two glasses of champagne and two glasses of rum and coke, with Andrew matching me with the amount of drinks (though he might’ve had more before I got there), we decided to order some pizza from Domino’s for dinner. Now, I was expecting the pizza to arrive at the entrance of his apartment and one of us would have to come down and get it, so it came as a huge surprise to me when he got a knock on the door and it was the pizza guy. I mean I’m used to college when we would have to hurry down and wait around until the food delivery person got to campus, after sometimes getting confused on the way, and then getting the food and heading all the way back to my room, so this was definitely a nice surprise. We sat back down and ate our very healthy dinner as I played more Persona 5, totally engrossed in the progressing narrative. However after a little while of silence, I glanced over to find Andrew passed out on the couch. I decided not to wake him, and kept playing for another hour, curious if he would wake up. However, as the time struck 10:30, I knew I needed to head home, so I turned off my PS4, packed up the cords and the console, and woke Andrew up to say goodbye. After a little bit of coaxing, I managed to get him up just enough so I could say goodbye for the night, and I made my way home.
Now as I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I ended up taking a step back on that walk home. As I popped in some headphones and started listening to Maddy Brown, by My Brothers and I, I suddenly felt like doing nothing more than crying as I walked home. I don’t know why, but it started hitting me again how much I had fucked up with this last relationship. I know how Elle felt as we talked, about how she partially blamed herself for not telling me, but the fact of the matter is, it was my fault things ended. I overstepped boundaries and took things way too fast, because I didn’t think there was any way in hell I was going to lose her. I guess in a way, I took Elle for granted and it destroyed our relationship. As I walked home, doing some self reflection and talking to God, which is definitely interesting as a person who grew up Baptist but is honestly more Agnostic now, but I really didn’t know where else to turn. I’ve been trying to be better about looking for the good things in my life, and it has helped in some ways, but there are still times when I wished that I hadn’t fucked up as hard as I did with her. In Persona 5, when you’re talking with the characters, you’re given three choices of what to say, which helps me to stay in control and always pick the one that I know will make the other person/people feel better, or the response that I know I would say normally. There’s a sense of control, which I know is fucked up, but it’s definitely something I lack here and now. Now don’t get me wrong, having the freedom to say whatever I want in reality is much better, and I would rather have that freedom than the ease of multiple choice, but it also makes life so much harder. Honestly the thing I’d much rather have is a save point, you know? I’d much rather be able to go back to a check point and say the right thing, because no matter what I do, I seem to always fuck things up. And I know that’s not a healthy way of looking at things, and I know messing up is how we grow as people, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I want a second chance that I know I’ll likely never get, and it hurts, you know? I want to make things right, but I don’t think I’ll ever be truly able to do that. I can’t take back what I said. I can’t erase the stupidity that fell out of my mouth to scare the girl I loved away from me. It’s all my fault and I hate it. I feel like I’ve tried to rationalize my mistakes, but at the end of the day, I just spoke without thinking, and ended up in deep shit that I can’t get away from. I’m not sure if Elle hates me, or detests me, but I wish she did. I mean obviously I don’t, but if she did, how could I blame her? Yeah I didn’t cheat on her or abuse her physically or anything, but the stress, the anxiety; the mental toll I put on her while we dated was not okay. No matter if I meant to do it or not, the fact of the matter is, I fucked up, and there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is to try to continue day by day, and hope things get better for me. Will I ever be offered a redemption arc? Or will I always remain the villain of my own story?
Until next time,