Today has been a day of reflection for me; looking not only on my day to day life, but how I want to look at life moving forward. I have been so stressed as of late, because of work, because of money, because of my breakup; Whether it was conscious or unconscious, it feels like there’s been a weight lying on my shoulders. Now when I woke up today, I wasn’t sure exactly what was going to happen today, but I knew I needed to get a haircut. Looking back on the last time I went in to see my barber, it was March 15th, and my hair has really gone out of control in the past two months; just like my life. No matter how hard I tried to control it, I was only covering the issue at hand, instead of actually dealing with it. So when I went in for my haircut and sat in that chair, chatting to the barber about my life for the past two months, it felt cleansing in a way. I mean this is a total stranger that I have only had 3 or 4 interactions with at this point, but just being able to joke around about my stress helped me to reevaluate what’s been going on.
Now when I was checking my Instagram today, I noticed a change in follower count, which is because Elle has now unfollowed me. I was expecting this to happen a while ago now, but her finally doing it hit me. I decided that for now, it would be best for me to unfollow her as well, and to try and remove myself from her. I do miss her still, and I still plan on sending her a letter in June, but with everything I’ve thought about today, especially after listening to some music which seemed to speak to me, and watching the finale of a YouTube series called “Dating After College”, where the two main characters found someone, but grew apart and separated in the two year jump, I started thinking about Elle and my relationship. I started thinking about what she said to me the night we broke up; how she didn’t like the fact that she was the only thing that seemed to be bringing me joy anymore. And even though it’s a hard fact, it was true. I was so stressed about life and scrambled to find something to grab onto, but I squeezed too tight and the one thing that I perceived to bring me joy slipped out of my fingers. I know that now. And I know that even if we do become friends, that it will take time. I mean my other -ex Liz and I are finally friends again, and we broke up two years ago; and we’re FINALLY good again, at least from my perspective. Now it didn’t take a complete two years, but it took a long time, and we dated maybe two weeks more than Elle and I did.
I am an eternal optimist, to a point that I think can be unhealthy at times, because I choose to deny reality and facts, while pretending everything is going to be okay. I did that when my mom was told she had six months to live, and I’ve been doing that with Elle. And that’s not fair to her and it’s not fair to me. No matter if I send this letter and she happens to respond, it will not be the same as before. I’ve kept telling myself over and over that if I talk to her again, maybe something will start again, even if casually. But I knew deep down that that was a pseudo-reality created in my mind in an attempt to keep faith in a gone relationship. Will something happen with Elle again? I would love to say yes, but the answer is I have no clue. She’s still in college, and I am just out of college; we’re both in our early 20’s, with so much life left to live. I have no idea what’s going to happen in my life, but I know that I need to make a change. I need to begin looking for the positives in my life, and trying harder to make myself happy, because where I am now, and where I have been since that relationship ended is not healthy. Honestly, the fact that I was throwing this incredible burden on another person makes me so angry and sad with myself, because I know that it wasn’t fair, and I know that even if I didn’t want to, I hurt her. I will never be able to apologize enough for that, but what I can do is keep living. If I stop moving now, then what’s the point, right?
Even if I haven’t realized it, I’ve lost sight of what the hell I’m doing. I came to New York to be an actor, not some random dude on the street asking the public to support a charity. Now that is great work and all, but that’s not why I’m here. Of course I need to make money to pay the bills, but at the end of the day, I am an actor. If I want to be paying my bills through booking, I need to first be auditioning for things. Sorry I know that this post is rambling, but I’m having so many thoughts flowing in and out of my head right now as I listen to music that I feel like I have to write them down. Life sucks right now, it really does, but that doesn’t mean that there’s nothing good happening in my life. I’m alive aren’t I? I’m eating every day? I have friends and family who love and support me unconditionally, don’t I? Honestly I’m mad at myself for not continuously reminding myself that, and allowing myself to drop and let the bad times win.
As I said multiple times in this blog, I am still going to send that letter come June. I know it’s not a good idea, and if Elle sends anything, it will probably be something overly formal, or she will choose not to send me a letter at all. But that’s not something I can control. What I can control is what I choose to do with this time. I have just under a month before I send out that letter, and I want to use that time doing something I actually enjoy and am good at. So that’s the energy I am going to start putting into the Universe. “Doing what I am passionate about. Doing something I am good at.” I hope that things get better, and it gets easier to find something positive in each day, but no matter what I am going to find at least one thing that was positive each day, and mention it in my blog post. Today’s pretty obvious; from a new haircut, to self-reflection, to playing more Persona 5, today made me smile. Tomorrow is a new day, but it’s going to be a good one. I can feel it. Time to find the stars twinkling behind these clouds.
Until next time,