Today I ended up waking up before noon, which was nice I guess even though I was hoping to sleep in a little later than I did. But I got myself up and checked to see if the tupperware I ordered came in so I could do some meal prepping tonight. Unfortunately it did not, so I spent the next few hours mindlessly playing League and losing, which was real great for my mental health. (Heavy sarcasm if you couldn’t tell) I mean don’t get me wrong, I enjoy playing League, but damn when you lose over and over again it can get pretty tilted. Last night I ended up moving the picture Elle gave to me of us for Valentine’s Day, and a tin box which I put a postcard she sent me and some pictures of us, in a shelf where she kept some of her things when she stayed over here. I’m not really one to toss memorable things like that; especially if someone put thought into the gift. I know some people think it’s healthier to toss or burn your ex’s things, but I don’t know; I don’r really like that approach at all. I know it hurts when I look at gifts my exes gave me, but the items hold memories that I will cherish for a lifetime, you know? I’m grateful for every moment I got to spend with my exes, no matter how short or long the relationship was. Now when I went to visit Elle on Thursday and we had the breakup talk, she asked for her book back that I had been reading. See, Elle is a very avid reader, and I am most definitely not. So I thought what better way to start reading more, than by reading your girlfriend’s favorite books? The first book she gave me was The Secret Life of Bees, which is an absolutely beautiful book, and it made me honestly like bees a lot more than I did previously. The second book that I started reading was The Catcher in the Rye. Now I’m a slow reader, and I don’t set aside nearly enough time to do some reading, so I was only a few chapters in, but I was enjoying the book. Not only would Elle leave little sticky notes with messages on them for me throughout the book, but it was the same copy she had used for two separate papers, so she had highlighted and written little notes throughout every chapter. It was fun reading her little notes and understanding where she was coming from when she was reading the books. When she asked for her book back, I wished I had spent more time reading it, because I wasn’t even halfway done.
Around 4PM, I realized I needed to eat something, and I wanted to go grocery shopping, so I finally hopped in the shower, cleaned myself up, got dressed, and headed out into the rainy afternoon. As I got on the train, I was trying to figure out what Trader Joe’s I should go to when I made up my mind to buy my own copy of The Catcher in the Rye. I looked online to see if I could get a copy for my phone, but 1. I honestly love having the physical copy of the book in my hand, and 2. I really couldn’t find it in the Apple book store, and I didn’t feel like trying to find it illegally online. I first searched up Barnes and Nobles around me, but the first one I looked at just so happened to be closed today. Every other Barnes and Noble was open, but the first one I checked wasn’t for some reason. Instead if being defeated and giving up, I decided to check the hours of Elle’s favorite book store in New York- Strand. I only went there once, but it really is a very cool bookstore with all types of books, graphic novels, and artwork. They even have socks! (Which you know I love, because I am a sock FIEND) I guess part of me figured it would be a fine ode to Elle, buying a book she thoroughly enjoyed from a bookstore she loves. Jesus I’m realizing now that it sounds like I’m talking about a dead person, but I guess in a sense she has vanished from my life, so there are some parallels. Not many, but some.
So I make my way all the way down to 14th St. Union Square, which not only held Strand, but also a Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, and a Barnes and Noble, and made my way through the rain to the bookstore. Once inside, it honestly took me less then 5 minutes to find the book, purchase it, and head out, but it was nice to even be inside that store again. Even though I don’t read all that much, I absolutely love the smell and feel of a bookstore. There really isn’t anything like it. I ended up buying a hard copy of the book for just over $13, and then made my way over to the Pret which was right next door, just to grab something quick to eat. Afterwards, I headed on my way to find the Trader Joe’s, which was just a few blocks away. However when I ventured inside, I realized quite quickly that this store was much smaller than the one I frequent on 72nd St. After a minute or two looking around, I gave up on shopping for the day and made my way home. To be completely honest with you, I really didn’t want to try and make my way back to my apartment carrying groceries in paper bags when it’s raining. That can only end in disaster. So I hopped on the train and was at last making my way home. On the train, I decided that it was honestly the best time to pull out The Catcher in the Rye and start reading it again. I only finished another chapter or two, but it was nice.
To be honest with you, I don’t know what’s going to happen between me and Elle. I would love to think that we may get back together at some point, but right now it seems unlikely or at least quite uncertain. But next time I talk to her, or rather send her a letter, I want to actually have something to say to her. I want to have accomplished something with my life, whether it’s read Catcher or get a new job or book some acting work. Or all of the above. All I know is that I have a set date at the moment when I want to send her a letter, which means I don’t have much time to get everything I want to get done, done. The biggest thing I am struggling with at the moment is the fact that last time a girlfriend I loved broke up with me, her name was Liz, I knew it was over and there was no changing it. She ended things because she didn’t love me the way I loved her. At least, not anymore. If Elle told me that, I think it would hurt more, but there would be a clear cut end. Unfortunately for me, I don’t like giving up, and I am stupidly optimistic, which is not always healthy; so when Elle said that she still loved me, but she needed to be alone, my mind takes that little strand of hope and runs with it. And I know that it’s stupid, but that’s how I work. If I could change that part of myself I would, but it’s what makes me, me, right? Tomorrow I’m finally back at work, so we’ll see how that goes.
Until next time,