Today was another day. I mean I woke up later than yesterday, and ended up not leaving my bed until 2PM, but honestly on a Saturday where I have no plans, it’s not that surprising. I finally got up, ordered food, and have been taking it easy today. I’m not sure if I am actually feeling that much better than yesterday, but the important thing is that I haven’t stopped moving, no matter if I want to or not. I’m alive and that’s the most important thing I guess. At least I actually ate two meals today at reasonable times; well lunch was reasonable, dinner not so much. I ended up just finishing my dinner around 2AM, so not the best but it is what it is. I ended up just playing and finishing the Tomb Raider game that came out a few weeks ago, which felt nice. It gave me something to focus on; something to keep my mind off of the present. Unfortunately then I looked at Instagram. I forgot that last night was Elle’s college’s formal dance, and even though she wasn’t planning on going, since she had a lot of work to get done, she did want to poke her head in at the end to take pictures with her friends. Now I know that her friends and I aren’t that close; I did and do really like them. I think they’re incredible people and I am so grateful Elle has them in her life. But unfortunately that also means that I got to see their pictures from formal, and some had Elle in them, which made me falter. It’s weird, because as I’m writing this, I feel almost disconnected, like it hasn’t truly hit me that she’s out of my life. Yeah maybe we’ll be friends again or whatever, but she’s gone. I feel like my brain can hardly fathom how I managed to fall for someone so hard after only knowing them for a good five months. Like I really don’t even get it myself, and yet here we are. So after being strong all day, I faltered. I didn’t cry, but I felt that pang of sadness ripple through me again. I can’t really describe to you how I feel right now, because I’m not really sure myself.
It feels like these last four months have been this dream that I’m waking up from. This amazing, wonderful dream where I actually found love again, which I didn’t think would ever happen again to be honest. But now I am awake and alone and I’m trying to live my life. Now for the rest of the day, I just played some League, and even played with Maggie, my twin, for a little while, all the while chatting with her on the phone. Even though she’s not here with me in person, it’s just nice to talk to someone, especially during times like this. Tomorrow is a new day, and my hope is that I’ll end up doing some grocery shopping and end the day with some meal prep for the week. I even ordered some meal prep containers today on Amazon that are supposed to come in tomorrow, so we’ll see. I’ve never done any serious meal prep before, so hopefully it goes well. I also need to start memorizing lines for a self-tape audition I have to have submitted by this upcoming Thursday. Here’s hoping tomorrow is a good day.
Until next time,