So it’s been a while guys. And I wish I could post more about happy times in my life. But I want to be real with you all; things, especially the past day now, have been awful. Elle broke up with me last night, for reasons that I’m not going to get into, and it hurts. A lot. She really meant the world to me (still does) and our relationship ending was definitely not something I was expecting. All I will tell you is that things ended because we went to fast and I scared her away. At least that’s how it feels from my perspective. I’m sure she could give much more detailed reasons why things ended, but unfortunately you’re stuck with just my side of the story. I know before I promised that I would do more blog posts, once a week, but never did it, but now, I’m hoping that I can use these blog posts as a way to cope and vent. I’m hoping it will keep me accountable. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, I don’t know if I’ll find love again or anything of that nature. All I know right now is that I’m hurting. It’s natural and the pain will dull eventually, but right now it is sharp and cutting directly into my heart. I woke up today feeling numb. I couldn’t decide which hurt more, the water on my sunburned arms in the shower, or my heart.
Honestly right now I just feel numb. I can barely comprehend what happened last night; and maybe I don’t want to understand or remember it. But as much as I want to pretend like it didn’t happen and have everything go back to normal, unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. Maybe in the future Elle and I talk again; maybe we become friends or even go on casual dates. That is way too optimistic for me at the moment though, and even if it were to happen, it doesn’t change the fact that right now I am in pain. A pain that I honestly haven’t felt since my ex Liz broke up with me. It’s an unwelcome guest who is now visiting me for the second time now, but unlike last time, where I was in college and had friends right next door to visit and be sad with, I’m now on my own. Of course I have family and friends who are supporting me, which I will forever be grateful for, but they are mostly farther away, and the ones who are close by are dealing with all of their own issues; aka being an adult fucking sucks and there are times where I really hate it. I’ve been stressed because of money, because of jobs, because I’m not where I want to be with my career yet, and now this? It really feels sometimes as if someone up there really has my number, and is just giving me hell, as others skirt on by. I’m not sure what I did to deserve this, but I’d love to have a chat with that person and just ask- Why? Why me of all people? Why can’t you just give me something good, and help me not ruin it by being an idiot? Ruining it because I’m too much, or because I’m not good enough.
If you can’t tell, I’m in a bad way right now, and I don’t know how I’m going to get out of it. My hope is that by taking it day by day, eventually things will get better. They have to. For now I just have to pick up the pieces and keep walking.
Until next time,