I knew it was supposed to snow today, but I was honestly expecting it not to stick, because it should be too warm. That’s what I thought at least when I went to bed last night. I was very quickly proven wrong today when I left my apartment. I got up at 12:30, which seems to be the usual for me at this point, and I got ready for the day, before heading out to take care of my friend’s pup again. When I left the apartment, bundled up in a long sleeve shirt and a heavy jacket, I was pleasantly surprised to see it already snowing. I headed to the subway station and waited for the next uptown train to arrive. After a solid 15 minutes, the train arrived and I headed to my friend’s apartment; By the time I got inside, the snow had begun to come down even harder.
When I walked in, I was greeted once more by the pup’s barking. and when I entered my friend’s room, he was jumping up and down in his cage. I pulled him out and we began to play like we have the past few days. I tossed around the pup’s plush chew toy with him for a bit, and tried my darndest to tire him out. He ran around and around his little play area, attempting to bite my fingers and my chew at my shoelaces. I love that pupper, but damn does he like to bite. We went back and forth for a little while before I finally needed to leave; It was already 4:15 and I needed to get something to eat at this point. I set the pup back in his cage, with him yapping as per usual, and I finally headed back home.
When I walked back outside, the snow was really coming down at this point, honestly making it a bit more of a challenge to get back to the subway station. Seriously, I thought it was Fall?! Normally, it’s not even likely that it’s going to snow in December, let alone November! After trudging through the snow, I made it back to the subway station and finally back to my stop, where I of course had to stop by my local Subway to grab some late lunch before finally heading back to to my room to enjoy the rest of my day. I seriously have been spending the rest of my day watching episode after episode of The Office. I mean, I also had a small existential crisis, but I’ll get back to that in just a moment. I honestly started the series as the end of last year, and when I was dating my last girlfriend, we spent many days binging the show together. Once I broke up with her, I decided to hold off for quite a while on watching the show, since, I’ll be honest, it wasn’t a great breakup. We had quite a few issues throughout our relationship, and it was of course partly my fault. There were definitely things I learned about myself while we were dating, and are things I really want to change. Of course, I don’t think the ending of the relationship was all on me, though I’m sure she still thinks it is, but if she ever ends up reading this, I am sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better boyfriend, but by the end of it, I just wasn’t happy; I didn’t feel like I was my normal self anymore, and I knew that wasn’t how I wanted to feel anymore. So I ended things. I know you wanted more from a relationship, and I know you’ll find a guy who can definitely provide that for you, and I hope one day I’ll be able to do that for the woman I marry. But I am sorry, and I hope one day you’ll forgive me.
I made a promise to her while we were dating, and said that when I win a Tony, I would of course invite her to the Tony’s with me, and when that does happen- or when I win an Oscar, or both- I will reach out to her and invite her to come with me. If I have a significant other, I guess it’ll mean I have two dates- One romantic, and one friend. You may refuse, or ignore my message when I send it, or even have my number blocked, but I will still reach out. You may hate me now, and think I am the worst guy for ending things, but I do still care about you as a person and as a friend. The existential crisis I ended up having was when I was folding laundry at 2 in the morning, listening to the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack, because I began questioning everything. If I died, who would honestly care that I was gone? It’s such a scary prospect, and the hope is that my friends and family would miss me, but it made me realize how much I want to accomplish in my life. I want to actually do something and accomplish my dreams. If I was gone tomorrow, what would be left? I haven’t done anything yet, and for me that’s not enough. It’s not enough that I have a solid job and am living in the city- I want more. I also began questioning why I will never stop caring about the people. Even when it comes to my two exes, if either of them reached out tomorrow asking for help, I would immediately help them out. Why is it so easy for other people to just let go? One of the biggest issues in my last ex and my relationship was that I still cared about my other ex, G. Even though we’re exes, I still want us to be friends. She didn’t agree with that, and pushed me to believe that G didn’t care, and I forced it into my mind that I needed to not like G anymore, or care about her at all, because I was with A now. That is not ever something I want to feel. Sorry this is becoming very rambling- I’ve been watching The Office as I’ve been typing this, so not all my thoughts have been totally coherent so far- but it is how I feel. I don’t know why my brain has chosen tonight to make me remember all the pain I’ve gone through, and has me questioning everything, but here we are.
I really need to stop rambling and get some sleep, because it is already 4:49 and I have work tomorrow, but I will leave you with this- If someone doesn’t love you for who you are, then they are not worth having in your life. It is okay to grow and become a better version of you, but never allow someone to make you change into someone and something that you are not. I love you all and I am now going to pass out.
Until next time,