I knew it was supposed to snow today, but I was honestly expecting it not to stick, because it should be too warm. That’s what I thought at least when I went to bed last night. I was very quickly proven wrong today when I left my apartment. I got up at 12:30, which seems to be the usual for me at this point, and I got ready for the day, before heading out to take care of Parker again. When I left the apartment, bundled up in a long sleeve shirt and a heavy jacket, I was pleasantly surprised to see it already snowing. I headed to the subway station and waited for the next uptown train to arrive. After a solid 15 minutes, the train arrived and I headed to my friend, Maddie’s, apartment; By the time I got inside, the snow had begun to come down even harder.
When I walked in, I was greeted once more by Parker’s barking. and when I entered Maddie’s room, he was jumping up and down in his cage. I pulled him out and we began to play like we have the past few days. I tossed around Parker’s poop plush chew toy with him for a bit, and tried my dandest to tire him out. Parker ran around and around his little play area, attempting to bite my fingers and my chew at my shoelaces. I love that pupper, but damn does he like to bite. We went back and forth for a little while before I finally needed to leave; It was already 4:15 and I needed to get something to eat at this point. I set Parker back in his cage, with him yapping as per usual, and I finally headed back home.
When I walked back outside, the snow was really coming down at this point, honestly making it a bit more of a challenge to get back to the subway station. Seriously, I thought it was Fall?! Normally, it’s not even likely that it’s going to snow in December, let alone November! After trudging through the snow, I made it back to the subway station and finally back to my stop, where I of course had to stop by my local Subway to grab some late lunch before finally heading back to to my room to enjoy the rest of my day. I seriously have been spending the rest of my day watching episode after episode of The Office. I mean, I also had a small existential crisis, but I’ll get back to that in just a moment. I honestly started the series as the end of last year, and when I was dating my last girlfriend, Michelle, we spent many days binging the show together. Once I broke up with her, I decided to hold off for quite a while on watching the show, since, I’ll be honest, it wasn’t a great breakup. We had quite a few issues throughout our relationship, and it was of course partly my fault. There were definitely things I learned about myself while we were dating, and are things I really want to change. Of course, I don’t think the ending of the relationship was all on me, though I’m sure she still thinks it is, but if she ever ends up reading this, I am sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better boyfriend, but by the end of it, I just wasn’t happy; I didn’t feel like I was my normal self anymore, and I knew that wasn’t how I wanted to feel anymore. So I ended things. I know you wanted more from a relationship, and I know you’ll find a guy who can definitely provide that for you, and I hope one day I’ll be able to do that for the woman I marry. But I am sorry, and I hope one day you’ll forgive me.
I made a promise to Michelle while we were dating, and said that when I win a Tony, I would of course invite her to the Tony’s with me, and when that does happen- or when I win an Oscar, or both- I will reach out to her and invite her to come with me. If I have a significant other, I guess it’ll mean I have two dates- One romantic, and one friend. You may refuse, or ignore my message when I send it, or even have my number blocked, but I will still reach out. You may hate me now, and think I am the worst guy for ending things, but I do still care about you as a person and as a friend. The existential crisis I ended up having was when I was folding laundry at 2 in the morning, listening to the Dear Evan Hanson soundtrack, because I began questioning everything. If I died, who would honestly care that I was gone? It’s such a scary prospect, and the hope is that my friends and family would miss me, but it made me realize how much I want to accomplish in my life. I want to actually do something and accomplish my dreams. If I was gone tomorrow, what would be left? I haven’t done anything yet, and for me that’s not enough. It’s not enough that I have a solid job and am living in the city- I want more. I also began questioning why I will never stop caring about the people. Even when it comes to my two exes, if either of them reached out tomorrow asking for help, I would immediately help them out. Why is it so easy for other people to just let go? One of the biggest issues in Michelle and my relationship was that I still cared about my other ex, Liz. Even though we’re exes, I still want us to be friends. Michelle didn’t agree with that, and pushed me to believe that Liz didn’t care, and I forced it into my mind that I needed to not like Liz anymore, or care about her at all, because I was with Michelle now. That is not ever something I want to feel. Sorry this is becoming very rambling- I’ve been watching The Office as I’ve been typing this, so not all my thoughts have been totally coherent so far- but it is how I feel. I don’t know why my brain has chosen tonight to make me remember all the pain I’ve gone through, and has me questioning everything, but here we are.
I really need to stop rambling and get some sleep, because it is already 4:49 and I have work tomorrow, but I will leave you with this- If someone doesn’t love you for who you are, then they are not worth having in your life. It is okay to grow and become a better version of you, but never allow someone to make you change into someone and something that you are not. I love you all and I am now going to pass out.
Until next time,
**Sorry for all the depressing and emotional shit, so cleanse your pallet with this absolutely adorable picture of Parker!