I wish every day I could give a crazy story for the day, with amazing recaps on the great day I just had, but to be honest, I did absolutely nothing today; which, to be fair, is not a bad thing at all. Some days it’s good to just get sleep and do nothing for the day. The main move of my day was just baking some frozen chicken that I bought yesterday from Trader Joes, so I finally could make some food again. I really want to get better at making food, but for now, I just kind of throw everything into a pot and see what happens. I did get an email today from a server from Emma’s Torch, who wanted to trade days with me, so I would be working tomorrow, and she would work on Thursday. And to be honest, that’s fine by me. My life, at the moment, is pretty boring, so I don’t mind helping someone out.
Something that seems to have aligned pretty well was a notice on Backstage for a free workshop for getting agents, which just so happens to be on Thursday. I sent them an email, and hopefully I hear back from them, because I would absolutely love to get an Agent, and start going to audition after audition; seriously, I really miss auditioning and acting. I’ve been itching to get back into doing theater, now that I am finally established in New York. Obviously when something happens, I will immediately write about it, so get excited for the future that has yet to take place.
Speaking on the future, I figured since I had nothing going on today to talk about, I’ll just go on a tangent about my future, and how I feel. So I feel like right now I’m just waiting for something to happen in my life. It’s like I’m at the hiatus of my series, or I’m stuck in the middle of a filler arc, and it needs to end for the actual story to continue. Like all I can do right now is to keep my eyes out for anything to do, and keep moving forward, making money and living my life. I just have to continue to keep my eyes on the prize, and not get distracted by the trivial bullshit of the everyday. And that makes me really nervous honestly. I hate looking ahead at what my future could be because it is so incredibly unknown. I have no idea if I am going to succeed or fail; all I know is that I cannot fail. I have so many people behind me, supporting me and what I want to do with my life, that I cannot give up. No matter how bad things may seem, I must continue to push forward. One day last year in my acting class, my professor had a man come in who she was friends with, who also happened to be a very well known theater critic. He told us something that has always stuck with me. “The moment you give up on your dreams, that’s it. There’s no going back from that. That dream is gone forever and you will never be able to get it back.” I think it’s so important to follow your dreams, and do what you love. I see so many people, just living day to day, working to live, and living only to work. It’s such a terrifying and vicious cycle that very few are able to get out of. And don’t get me wrong, I am lucky. I am so incredibly lucky to be able to pursue what I love, and be backed by so many incredible people. I will never stop being thankful for everyone in my life who always keeps me afloat and swimming; who made me the person I am today. Without them, I have no idea where I’d be now, but I would definitely not be living in New York. I’d probably be back in Maryland, doing a dead-end job; dreaming of the day when I finally move out to the city, and get out of Calvert County for good.
Now when it comes to relationships, that’s a whole other beast that I cannot even fathom at the moment. I have no idea if I will be single or in a relationship by next year. I very well could be, or I very well could still be single like I am now. Relationships have always been very difficult for me, because I feel like I overthink everything… or I just don’t think and fuck everything up. I feel like I am so socially awkward and blind when it comes to flirting. I have no idea how to do it, and I have never understood what to do. I’ve had crushes on people, and have been in relationships, but it’s still not something I get at all. Like I have always wanted to make out with someone at a party, but one: I would need to get invited to one for that to happen, and two: I would need to feel comfortable enough to do that and not think. Because when I begin to think about the implications, it really screws with my head and then it’s all over. I wish I had someone like Barney in How I Met Your Mother: Someone to give me advice on how to ask a girl out, and flirt, and all that jazz. When it come to talking to people, I can do it fine, but I just have never understood how to flirt without seeming creepy or awkward. So that’s where I am right now. I mean, I also have the issue that I dated a girl for almost 6 months, was absolutely in love with her, and now it’s been over a year, maybe a year and a half since we broke up, and I still can’t tell if I am completely over her. Mind you I dated a girl after we broke up, so you know that messed up that relationship. What can I say, I’m a Scorpio. We fall hard. It is was it is though. Alright, I’ve talked enough for the night. I got work in the morning, so I’m gonna get some sleep.
ALSO, It was 9/11 today, so I did want to give a moment of silence for our all who passed on that horrific day, and their families who have had to live with their loss. I am fortunate enough to not have been anywhere near New York when it happened, nor did I know anyone at the time who worked in the twin towers, but it is still absolutely horrifying and a day that will never be forgotten. I get I will leave with the note of: Love everyone while you can, as much as you can, because you never know when they might be gone forever. I love you all, and have a great night.
Until next time,